Tag Archives: dissertation

In which I’ve had a weird day

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How weird? Well, it was a perfect balance between good and bad…and it’s still not over so who knows what the final verdict will be. I mean, I slept really bad. Like really bad; nightmares, jumping awake for no reason, trouble falling back to sleep, the whole nine yards. Which is nothing new for me. Whenever I’m out of a particularly stressful situation it takes my mind a week or three to re-adjust. It’s not helped by the fact that I’m now moving on from the stress that is the dissertation to the stress that is putting a roof over my head for the next year. House hunting itself, I do not mind so much. The phone calls that come with it though? Helloooooo mild anxiety attack! I’m not joking. Three months’ worth of intensive research and writing did not leave as mentally exhausted as an afternoon of phone calls. It could be that I rely on body language to quite a large extent in conversations with strangers, it could be the whole not-my-mother-tongue deal, could be that I always end up somehow having to deal with people with heavy accents (and the phone reception in my building leaves much to be desired). Let’s just say I did four phone calls yesterday, one after the other, and then spent a couple of hours trying to convince myself that gorging in chocolate would only change my dress size and not much else.

On the other hand, the weather today was lovely for the most part, which meant I could go for a long walk and actually enjoy it. There was a big sale in one of the stores and I got me a pair of shoes for 10 quid. Pumpkin Spice Latte is back! (Yes, that deserves a separate mention, this drink is freaking awesome!) And…. huh! I just realised I didn’t do as much today as I thought! Or perhaps it’s harder to talk about stuff you enjoy -or at least it is for me-. Ok, something else… Hm…I’ve only had to swallow down my anxiety twice today and was mostly successful? I don’t know, I still have a phone call to make so we’ll see about that. Oh! And I  need to prep my bag and outfit for the house viewings tomorrow! It might sound like I’m going on a field trip, but honestly, I  kind of am. It’s a nearly five hour coach ride (which will hopefully be shorter since we leave at what-the-hell o’clock in the morning so there shouldn’t be any traffic) and then a shorter train ride to the actual town. No, I won’t give specifics until I have concrete results. Call me superstitious but I fear I’d jinx it if I did.

Alright! Let’s try that call now. Hopefully they’ll pick up this time… 😛

“I’ll call you later.”

Sure man, whatever! I mean, I only offered to rent from you. Ya know? Offered to provide you with a bit more income?

I’m being mean. For all I know the  guy was in the middle of something serious. It’s just, ugh! I just want this to be over! Never mind historically weird ceremonies! The rites of passage to adulthood that late 20th century-early 21st century youngster have to go through are pretty much the reason we’ll all be suffering from an early onset of heart diseases in a couple of  decades. It won’t be pollution, bad eating habits or aliens. It’ll be too much stress early on.

This is the future folks! Gaze at it and invest in  a good frying pan to knock yourself out with when the time comes.

 

 

 

P.S. Halleluja! They called me back! Three house viewings confirmed tomorrow and I’ll still have some time to explore the town! What do yo think internet? Should I make a travel post about it?

Few more pages left

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My dissertation deadline is coming and I am proud to say I will be able to submit and be done with it early. All the panic and sleepless nights (and future back problems from all the books I’ve been carrying around) and I am actually looking at the almost complete result. Almost because a few entries in my bibliography need some additional information (page numbers mostly) and I need to check my word count again, just in case. I’m not entirely happy with that. I managed to hit just over 13600 when to upper limit is 14000. But hey, I’m gonna read through the entire thing again tonight, hunt for any pesky typos, so maybe I’ll find a few places to add a little something. Everyone’s telling me that I’m over exaggerating with my paranoia, but dammit this is major! (and a major part of my final grade too). I think I’m entitled to act a little crazy now that we’re a breath from the print-and-bind stage. Speaking of…I need to find somewhere to do the binding part. Hm…

In other news I’m also house hunting again, which I left to a lamentably late this year (and, oh, how I long for the time when moving will not be an annual event!). In my defence until very recently I had no clue what I’d be doing, much less where. But I do have a few viewings lined up for the end of the week, so here’s to hoping I drew the golden ticket. All in all my check list right now looks something like this:

  • print/bind/submit dissertation
  • find house-sign contract-arrange move-in date
  • hire van for the move
  • PACK!!!!!!!! (you never know how much stuff you have until you need to put it in a finite number of boxes…)
  • pray the gods are merciful and I get my start date sometime soon

And no! I will not calm down until all these little hotspots of stress are crossed out. On the bright side, once at least the dissertation is out of the way I will have more time for writing again. I have a few ideas I wanna try here but it’s really a matter of finding the time/energy to get started on them. We’ll see how it goes. Until then,

Peace out! 🙂

In which I found the one thing scarier than interviews

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Filling out forms. Have you ever noticed how scary these things are? Passive aggressive language, legal jargon, pretty big consequences if you make a mistake, (in my case) tight submission deadlines….-shudder- It’s an anxiety attack waiting to happen. Of course all this not-so-internalised drama could be just me craving chips and being too busy to pop by the kitchen and heat some on the microwave… Or me being new to the whole “adult” scene (which is rather sad coming from a freshly-minted 23-year old…).

Regardless! Remember how I used to moan and gripe about my dissertation? I’d like to humbly apologise for that. Compare to my day today, the dissertation is more than relaxing, it’s soothing! And I am at the re-drafting stage! Also affectionately called the bizarro stage where I need to be my own hardest critic if I’m to get any editing done BUT I also need to be my number one fan in order to not convince myself that my baby isn’t going anywhere. Still! With this fine gentleman as my main topic it’s so worth it!

Alright, hold your horses, I’m not just doing Marvel Comics, I do have a degree in Viking (and other stuff) studies to prove my competence on. But modern adaptations play an important role to the overall result.

I’ve also discovered that I can make some damn fine connections and arguments between midnight and 4, dosed up on coffee and chewing dried prunes. If your stomach just rolled a little at the prospect, good! Your lifestyle is probably much healthier than mine. I don’t get it. I’m not a night owl, not by choice. There was this one very memorable instance when I was awake for close to 48 hours, but it was a special case. Maybe my mind goes to sleep and I write whatever my subconscious fancies? It would certainly explain some of my more bizarre grammar choices. Apparently I don’t like the definite article when I’m sleepy. Go figure.

Anyway, I am seriously getting hungry for those cheeps now, so I’ll leave y’all to your own devices.

Peace out-

In which I made an ill-adviced bet

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With none other than myself at that! What new madness did I talk myself into this time you ask? Nothing much. Just writing my entire thesis in a week. All 14,000 words of it. Yes, yes, how silly of me! The line to slap some sense into me is to the left. 

I do have some rational reasons behind it though. For one I needed something to distract me from another source of stress that was, at the time, hovering over me like a stormcloud. Nothing distracts quite like speed reading the Best of Karl Jung. For another, I need short term deadlines if I’m to get anything done. The ones my supervisor gave me are way lenient! Also that means I have the entirety to August to redraft and make my writing all pretty-like. 🙂

As I’m sure you can imagine this has resulted in late nights and hard-to-get-out-of-bed mornings. Still worth it. As of right now I’m two and a half chapters away from a complete first draft (and a conclusion but who wants to think about that!)

So there you have it. Hopefully I will be much closer to the finish line next time I ramble here, but until then,

Peace out!

I have an evil plan!

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Or at least it would seem so, wouldn’t it? Just look at this beautiful, colourful, paper-y chaos!

Every evil genius needs their planning tools.

Every evil genius needs their planning tools.

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A looooooot of tools!

Heh, I remember, back in high school, one of my teachers telling me off for -apparently- paying more attention in making my notes pretty and colourful than the lesson. She was kind of right, honestly. I only took Economics because I needed the credit, bu she was also wrong. I like colour-coding things. It makes them easier to remember. In elementary school (when books still have pretty pictures to go with the texts) I could remember better text surrounded by colour. That and the highlighter bug I think I caught from my mother. She was the one to teach me the difference between turning the page a different colour and actually highlighting the most important point.

So here I am, more than a decade later, almost compulsively taking multi-coloured and badly illustrated notes on all important modules. The beautiful chaos on these pictures is me trying to cobble together my thoughts and ideas for my thesis into something that makes sense to someone that does not have a psychic link with me. My supervisor advised me to make the outline in the form of a map in order to see how the different points I’m trying to make connect to one another. The end result is something like this:

A map alright. A map of the multiverse if you will.

A map alright. A map of the multiverse if you will.

I’m going to attempt and turn this to the standard bullet-point format but I am not sure I’ll manage. The thing is, as confusing (and frustrating at times) it was to make my little diagram (little, ha! That’s an A3 paper, baby!), when I look at it, it makes sense. Starting from the centre and moving outwards and clockwise, coming back to certain points again and again, I suppose it’s as close to an illustration of my thought process as I can get while remaining confined in two dimensions. Yeah, remember those awesome hologram things Tony Stark has in the MCU (that I will not even try to pretend I understand the “science” of)? Boy, would they have can in handy when I was working on this. Or the dangle-y paper thingies Megamind used. Really, the third (and fourth) dimensions are not used nearly enough. Also, once more, all together: What is it with me and crazy/evil geniuses?

Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. Until then let us all be thankful I stuck with literature instead of the sciences. In the immortal words of the Big Bang Theory:

I may not have Sheldon’s IQ but… -cue the ominous music-

Looking for summer in all the wrong places

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It can’t be helped. Twenty-two years are plenty enough time to build up an image of what summer is supposed to be like. And for me that’s high temperatures and wild winds. Swallowing sea water and dancing in the waves. Long walks under the setting sun and coffee outings that end up to bar visits. Summer is crappy radio signal, family movie nights out on the balcony, fresh figs straight from the tree and fingers sticky from melted ice-cream. And, most importantly, for me summer is feeling the sun on my skin and seeing the world around me through a golden glow. Or at least that’s what summer was.

Fast-forward to now and Yours Truly spending most -if not all- her summer in Nottingham. With its max of 22 C, its on-an-off rains and…well…come on! I could be in a Greek island right now! Does it really bear comparison? Why don’t I fly over you ask? Save us all the inevitable whining? To which I answer, I do want a pretty (preferably above 65%) grade to my thesis. I’m too much of a stereotype I suppose. I physically need sunlight to feel well after a while and of all the givens of childhood an extended summer vacation is the one I’m having more trouble letting go.

So here’s to trying to stay positive and see what a British summer is like. Though, given recent events, England could have the same weather as the Maldives and I would still contemplate not staying. Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I’m scared. And yes, I’m incredibly frustrated. 2016 has been developing like a bad joke, the kind that has a chapter-and-a-half devoted to it in history textbooks and is in the SOS list for final exams. I am not looking forward to telling my future grandkids about the Great Crazy of 2016. And no, the awesome movie line up is not making up for it (no matter how much of a huge nerd I am).

Here I am then. Dazed, confused and far paler than I usually am by the end of June? Any suggestions?

Well, this is awkward…

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(“Awkward” being a word I normally cannot spell…) What you ask? The weather for one. -glares at overcast sky- The relative calmness of my mental state for another. No kidding, since I started back with the full time research again I’ve been much more…balanced is not quite the right word but you know what I mean. I’m basically pulling a Hermione Granger, diving in books, taking notes, finding more books to read…It’s…nice. Familiar. The sort of thing that I can be comfortable with.

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Books, stories, they’ve always been easier to be around than people. I enjoy talking to people (sometimes) but it’s so hard to figure out what they actually mean most of the time. Sarcasm and irony, those I can handle. Heck! Most of what comes out of my mouth falls under those categories. It’s when this isn’t an option that things get hard. I know, right? Straightforward would be harder for me….

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What the pretty angel in a trench-coat said. I sometimes wonder if there was some sort of mandatory class in how to communicate with other people that I missed. I know I’m not the only leaving conversations feeling like they missed something.

And yet, even with the underlying note of stress that never seems to leave me these days, I’m good. Not totally ok but cautiously finding myself willing to venture out of my cave. We had a careers fair the other day and being surrounded by noise and people wasn’t quite as overwhelming as it might have been two weeks ago. I suppose the sunshine on the past few days helped too. I’m always better when I’m under the sun (even if I go home and feel like I’ve boiled my brain.)

So there! Tiny steps, plenty of books, (hopefully) more sun to bask under and very limited human contact. Sounds good to me.

In which there are endings and beginnings

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Hello folks!

Hope you had a lovely festive season. Soooo….Remember how before my Winter Break (yes, it needs the capitals) hiatus every other post would be me complaining about my dissertation? Or…wait? I did that here, right? Not on Facebook? Ugh. As you can see my circuits are still pretty much fried and my short term memory is not as good as it used to be. And it was never great in the first place! Anyway, what’s with the long-winded ramble? Nothing of importance, this will not be a deep and intellectual post. I just submitted my dissertation today and I’m still giddy about it. Quite a few of my friends have been on the same boat for the past semester so as you can imagine the jokes about it abide. My favourite two:

  1. A dissertation is like a bad relationship: you want to get away but you can’t. And even if you do get away, you can’t help but go back to all the time and emotional balance lost.
  2. A dissertation is like a pregnancy: it lasts between six and nine months, it’s trying for everyone involved and everyone that knows them and the end is trying, painful and will be possibly followed by a slight depression (what am I supposed to do now?) and trying to smother the feels by eating insane amounts of junk food.

True story bro.

That much for endings. What of beginnings?

All sorts of exciting stuff! I have new classes, I’m tentatively looking at postgrad programs, I’m starting driving lessons, I’m following some people’s work on the internet, my favourite singer is preparing a new CD, I’m compiling a list of movies that I HAVE to see in the next five years (mostly because some have not even began being filmed yet coughThor3cough). And in between all this, and perhaps the best thing to start, is my writing. I’m suddenly in the mood to write again: bad poetry, fanfiction, short stories, novels…. I don’t care! I’m in the mood to write. No more scouring through my old notebooks for something to post! Fresh content will be arriving! Oh, I LOVE my life!

****half an hour of Youtube later****

Yeah, if my life was a cartoon right now, I’d be Madame Mim, Merlin would every grad-been-there-done-that-have-harder-things-to-do student and Arthur would be every person ever that’s told be “sure, cool, never heard of your subject matter before.”